feminismo

More People?: Random And Made Up Relationship Statistics That Are Indisputable

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The old saying goes that 87 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. And I agree. Mostly because I can’t disagree since, well, I’ll make up a statistic on the spot and I like the number 87. It rolls off the tongue.

Kind of like, Mufasa.

Or, “I’m Ray J. Fab is a b*tch a** broke a** ninja and I’m going to make him personally call up to your radion station and apologize for being a broke a** ninja.”

That Willie Norwood, Jr…what a card.

If ever there was a time where “we don’t believe you, you need more people” was appropos, this is it.

Anyway, over the course of history, or at least since 2019, lots of relationship statistics have been bandied about. And despite the fact that a large percentage of them have no actual basis whatsoever or the source is at the very least untraceable (word to Magic Johnson), nobody seems to take any umbrage with using them. Honestly, the only stat I truly remember is the whole 42% of Black women have never been married. Or never will be married. Or will have to marry Antonio Banderas or Soulja Boy. It’s something like that. Forgive my memory. Apparently I don’t remember it.

Well, since we are scientists of the highest order – I’ve got an OPP, a DN, and an HNIC degree – I figured that I’d bring some of this astute science that I’ve been working on for years. Unbeknownst to most people, I’ve commissioned no less than seven independent Congressional reports to look into relationships. Here are my results. Dispute them if you’d like, but I don’t think that you can.

67% of all women hope that their man is being faithful but want to catch him cheating

While most women are optimists, they’re also masochists. It’s an internal struggle that only Victor Ortiz can truly appreciate. Protect yourself at all times, even when you’re wearing a condom. <—that made more sense in my head. And no, Virginia, that’s not a pun. Actually it is. But I didn’t mean for it to be a pun. It was an accident.

94% percent of men pray to God that they don’t fall in love with a stripper

Black people and Republicans are amazingly conservative and let’s just be real, there’s no good way to tell the “meeting” story if you met your girl at the strip club and JUST HAD to get her number after. Point is, our mamas will not approve. Well, unless our mother is Loretta Devine because depending on the movie she’s either dead, smanging Gregory Hines (he dead too) or running numbers in Harlem. She really gets around.

In 2019, an equal percentage of men and women have dated: a woman who’s never cooked him a meal and a man who’s asked to borrow her blouse, respectively

My statisticians have indicated to me that there’s a wide variance between the various groups and that the percentage hovers between 20 and 37 percent. However, it’s possible that one woman dated Kanye West 2,000 times and just didn’t know it. He has lots of sunglasses. And he learned to dance ballet sarcastically.

In an odd twist…

13% of women swear to never having engaged in fellatio and a similar 13% of women also claimed to be “unable to keep a man”

I ran a regression to see if there was any correlation there but my results came back insignificant. But if you ask me, I think there’s a “there” there.

In similar fashion…99% of all men claimed to like going down on their women as long as I agreed to not tell their women

Apparently there’s been an outbreak of neck plantar fasciitis that these men swear is directly related to tasting the rainbow. Then again, 74 percent of these men believed in the Illuminati and Blood Oaths and one guy asked me to babysit his kid, so ya know, do with that what you will.

10% of men admitted to enjoying WEtv programming and having opinions about both “What Not To Wear” and “Say Yes To The Dress”

When I garrishly asked them what a WEtv was, they informed me that I work for them. Twoshay, my ninja. Twoshay. Some of them dresses are nice though.

100% of all women admitted to intentionally disrupting a man in the middle of a football game he really wanted to watch because she felt like it at least once

When queried with a follow as to any other possible reason to disrupt his game watching, 87 percent of the responses came back with, “it’s just a game and I have the *CENSORED*, he’ll be alright.”

Not to be outdone by their female counterparts…

100% of all men admitted to not being where they said they were going to be when they said they were going to be there at least once

When queried as to how that could possibly happen, all men responded similarly with: “I left the first place.”

Well alright.

I’ve got more, but truthfully, like those looking for Nikki, y’all ain’t ready y’all ain’t ready. (That’s for all my ATLiens).

Disputes? Doubtful.

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Anghela Eliane Lizares Romero