Relax Dude I Am Not Swinging From Your Nuts
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The ego is a tragic thing.
It’s a thing that is shattered much quicker than it can be built up. It’s an institution for which there is no proper schooling, and it’s a place where delusions thrive like the mold does on wet potatoes hidden underneath the kitchen sink. And eventually, it becomes bigger than any circus-sized elephant would in filling up a small room.
People give way to their egos the same way they give way to a bulldozer tearing down a rat infested abandoned building in the haute couture side of town to make way for the next Burj Khalifa. One that they can regale in at the top in looking down on the pathetic passersby on the bottom who shan’t be let in.
Egos need a great big pumping when the going gets tough.
To the egoist, heaven forbid they have to live down being snubbed because they are an overblown a-hole or a persistently perverse dickhead. And the world should cease if they are ever caught in the crossfire of a much-needed bullet spearing in their direction because they need desperately to bleed out that icky painful rapacious wound with some “humility”.
Harsh words to an egoist sting like pouring rubbing alcohol on the pink side of hangnail and no words at all result in an explosion of bitterness that culminates in “I can’t believe they don’t want me. How could anyone resist me? I am just so great that I can’t live down the fact that I am being thrown off to side for someone better because, there is no one better.”
Big people and big ideas aside, we can focus our attention on a certain kind of man who thinks that he doesn’t have to have much of anything to do with women as far as playing the game of courtship. He feels women should always come to him and when they do, he doesn’t need to counter back with anything but a few lets downs, some bouts of disregard, and a few bone-shaped generic dog biscuits when things start turning away from their intended direction.
Courtship is a push and pull exchange of willfulness that both parties must equally partake in. Should one side get more attention than the other, the balance becomes dislodged and people start to feel like they’re being taken for granted, while others feel like they’re on top of the world. Nobody wants to feel like they need 3-foot step stool to be on the same level with the person they want to resound with on equal terms.
I have some personal advice in the form of character problem/solution scenarios for my friends out there who are facing down an egoist with whom they are being made to pitifully suck the grains of sand out of the tight crevices of a rock.
The “I’ll Get At You Eventually” Character
This is the guy who feigns being interested just long enough for your panties to become contorted and then disappears into next week without a trace. He texts three days later, never emails back, and says he couldn’t find a working payphone when his battery died, thus El Excuso for not calling.
Problem: He is a larger than life inconsiderate a-hole who thinks throwing you a bone or two in the form of excuses and pseudo-interest here and there is a healthy enough amount of attention.
Why is this a problem? Because he can count on you to be sitting around waiting for him like the good old unquestionable faithful little doggy you’ve always been.
Solution: STOP WAITING AROUND EARNESTLY FOR HIS TABLE SCRAPS. The guy doesn’t want you because if he did, he wouldn’t pretend, stall or be frequently missed. Procrastination isn’t a sign of endearment, it’s a sign of inflamed cystic-bullcrap that’s destined to wind belly up and thoroughly undesolved.
The “I’m Barely Hanging On By a Thread” Character
This is the guy who will only engage with you in courtship when you do all the work. Otherwise you don’t hear a peep from him at all. His logic is, “I can count on you to do it all so I don’t have to“. You get to call, stop by, and make all the moves, while he sits back idly and passively watching the flies lay eggs on his dinner.
Problem: He doesn’t care if you’re in the picture or not and he is totally indifferent to your entire existence.
Why is this a problem? Because you are allowing yourself to become somebody’s second right foot. You’re the guy on the dance floor nobody wants to groove with because you look like a foolish ass.
Solution: Stop settling for getting played like a tore back scratchy second fiddle. Get some self-respect and let the guy work some for a change.
The “I’m Going To Make You Admit That You Want Me” Character
This is a guy who places an insane amount of egoistic bearing on how willing he is to partake in courtship. He is going to play dumb to your advances, ask you why you are interested in him in particular, and he’s going play the oblivious beau of the woods OVER AND OVER again until he feels satisfied enough that the cards are piled up generously on his side of the table.
Problem: He can’t let you have the satisfaction of knowing he wants you just the same.
Why is this a problem? Simply because he wants you to stew shamefully in his shadow while he basks in the glory of having you dangling from below his dick.
Solution: Don’t tell him squat. Don’t brush his ego and don’t play along. A guy who really likes you isn’t going to make you jump through hoops like a well-trained animal. A guy who really likes you believes you when you tell him you like him.
The “I’m Going to Slight You Until You Come Around” Character
This is the guy who is in awe of your presence and your boundless self-love and he is taken with your resolve to take charge and “wear” the pants. He knows you’re full of life and he feels he must be the one to bring you crashing back down to earth to land in a thud that would resonate from here to the Great Barrier Reef.
Problem: He is going to spend all his time finding out what gets under your skin, and he’s going to use it as a means to try and put you in check.
Why is this a problem? Because he’s going to rudely insult you, look down his nose at you, and he’s going to do his best to try and bring you down to a level of which you are and should remain unaccustomed.
Solution: Ditch him. But before you do, don’t take anything he says the slightest bit seriously and recognize that his slights are some poorly ratified bare-boned attempts to undermine your self-worth.
Egotistic people employ self- fulfilling tactics that serve to cut people down in favor of the preservation of their own fragile self-image. When a man, or anybody for that matter, has to resort to being an all out egomaniacal ass in order to gain the respect of those of whom they want to enslave and contain, we need to recognize them for what they are and we need to show them we’re better and a lot smarter than they believe us to be.
We can do that by throwing them out the window and kicking them in the nads with some good old fashioned blatant disregard, unappreciation, and staunch intolerance. Let them find an ego boost elsewhere, for we are too kind, considerate and empathetic and too effing busy ourselves.